Warmth
by resurrectionfromashes
Summary: Castiel wonders about humanity. Sam's there to offer comfort. AU for season 9 and the episodes to come - some spoilers for this season.


_Title: Warmth_

_Spoilers: Season 9 au_

_Characters: Castiel, Sam Winchester_

_Genre: Friendship, (pre-slash) sastiel_

_Word count: 1010_

* * *

Castiel had stood in the side, watching humanity for millennia. Every time peace and quiet returned to heaven, he would decide to walk the earth, unseen, alone, observing and admiring. Humans lived their lives. It was amazing to see them get born, grow up, become adults, work, become themselves. Everyone was different, but they were all equally interesting.

Castiel taking a vessel was easy; convincing Jimmy wasn't difficult. What came afterwards was. His being still constricted when he thought of the devout man and his family. He often wondered about Amelia and Claire. But he couldn't do anything about them. Their husband and father was gone, he was in heaven…

Wrapping the thin clothes around him, he considered his life if he had taken Claire's body. He might have not stayed alive after his fall, if he had. In the beginning, he didn't care about his vessel. It had just needed to be strong enough to sustain his power, his grace. Now, he was grateful it was a strong one. Because now Castiel felt the pain, the need, the hunger, the cold and he didn't like it.

A warm hand touched his shoulder and Castiel turned around, and looked up, to stare at Sam as the taller man held a jacket and wrapped it around him. Warm. Castiel smiled.

"What are you thinking?"

"Home."

"Heaven?"

"I don't know."

Sam raised an eyebrow. "You think of home. Isn't heaven your home?"

Castiel nodded. "I guess so."

"You guess?"

"It's… weird. Every time I needed to have peaceful thoughts, I observed humans. I was proud of them. And now I'm human. But I'm not a good human. And I don't like it or feel proud of myself."

Sam tried to understand what Castiel was saying to him. Ever since he and Dean had saved Sam from Gadreel's possession, the youngest Winchester felt a connection to the former angel that hadn't been there before. It was as if some of Gadreel's knowledge about his friend had remained within Sam's mind. Castiel never talked about himself. These days Sam knew him, could understand the feelings behind the calm face.

"You are a good human, Castiel, and you're a good angel as well."

"Yes, but what am I?"

Having those blue, unearthly eyes looking at him as if he held the answers to all the mysteries of the universe created emotions inside Sam. Emotions he had no business having about Castiel. "You are you. You're Castiel; loyal, fierce, honourable."

"Loyal?" Castiel's gaze turned away from Sam's face, his question bitter.

Sam caught the slighter man from the shoulders and turned him around to look at him. "Loyal to a cause, Cas. You're loyal, but you've made mistakes. We've all made mistakes. It's what human…" Sam smiled. "It's what humans do. Mistakes, which we try to make right and learn from them. And grow better."

Castiel felt Sam's touching, the taller man's warmth. He instinctually moved closer to it. He was so cold these days. In the beginning, he couldn't understand what the feeling was; only that it was unpleasant and caused aches all over his being.

"My mistakes are… bigger," Castiel whispered.

"Oh, aren't we a bit full of ourselves?" Sam itched to… do something to comfort his friend.

"You're still angry with Dean."

Sam tried to look away. What Dean had done was… unforgivable. Castiel's hand on collarbone stopped him. "He, what Dean do…"

"He did it for the best. He had no choice. And if he had left it to you…" Cas stared on his hand touching Sam as the other man's hand rested on top of his. Warm. Steady. Alive. "You wouldn't be here now if not for Dean."

Sam looked down where his hand, on its own volition, had rested on top of Castiel's. "Without you, I wouldn't be here either."

Cas' shy smile was a balm to hurts and deceptions. "You need to speak with Dean. He loves you above everyone else."

Sam wanted to ask whom Cas loved above anyone else. "I will."

"He knows he was wrong, he knew when he agreed, but losing you wasn't an option. I'd probably do the same."

"I know, Cas. It's just that… how come we ended up talking about me?"

Their hands were still clasped together on top of Sam's chest. "Because you're a far more interesting subject than me."

"Would you go back being an angel, if you could?" Sam regretted the question the second Castiel's hand withdrew from underneath his.

"Yes… and no. But… Yes. It's who I am, Sam."

"Cas…"

"None of this would have happened if I had my powers. You'd… I was naïve, Sam. I let my self importance to lull me into dangerous places, cause pain to Dean… and you. And then, I entered a situation I couldn't control."

"You took my pain. You gave back to me what you took from me while hurting yourself. I don't blame you."

"Yes, but I do." Cas' deep voice held an emotion Sam couldn't understand. "I regret many things, Sam." He said, looking out to the snow falling calmly on the ground. Pure. Cold.

Sam breathed deeply and moved behind Castiel, letting his chest touch Cas' back. "Regretting is a human trait as well. It makes us unwilling to repeat our mistakes."

Castiel turned around. "Sam, can you… would you…? I'm cold."

Sam had no idea what Castiel wanted. "Of course you're cold. Come inside, we'll make hot chocolate." He stepped away to let Cas move before him. The other man's hand on his forearm stopped him.

"No. I… am lonely." He said as an explanation. "I feel alone." Castiel was embarrassed to admit he needed something he hadn't needed before. "I need…"

Sam's heart beat faster. "Human contact, Cas." He said wrapping his arms around his friend. "It's something else humans do."

Castiel let his arms curl around Sam. It was nice. Warm. He sighed contently. "It's one of the good things humans do." Sam's laughter was also good. Castiel wanted to listen more of it.


End file.
